You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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