my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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