so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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