You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
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