I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I hope mine doesn't look like that
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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