she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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