someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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