sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
