how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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