she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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