my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
