No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
NoShamevember. You game?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
