Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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