You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
