My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
