My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
