Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
