1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I can't turn off my feet"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
