Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
