At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
