Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
