Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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