And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
