Plan B is the new Plan A
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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