Small penises have feelings too.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
