THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
