You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
