I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
