I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
did i walk over a car last night?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
