How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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