The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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