If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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