Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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