Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize