$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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