I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
