I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
