When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
