Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
