i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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