Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
