Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
