I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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