Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
