How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
