so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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