we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
