and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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