i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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