dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
