I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
organizing the empties. That sober.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
