I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
