Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
