HIV tests are more positive than that guy
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Floor bacon is actually really good
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
