just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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