I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
