Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
